Rambling

I have felt that I should record more of this journey of the past few months than I have. So much seems too personal and even sacred to post. I've thought maybe I'll make this a private blog, so I don't quit writing it down. I'm undecided. Tonight, I am just going to write and we'll see if it ever gets published.


Makayla got baptized and it was wonderful, but I felt like wow. We have so much more to teach and help her understand to be prepared for this world. I just wanted time to slow down some. We are rushing and working and going 100 miles an hour trying to make it to doctor appointments, jobs, school activities and homework, family things and keep a home in order, the list of things to do never seems to end. Then in the middle my babies are growing older, Bryton started Primary, Makayla got baptized, my "baby" Cayd is 2. 


I feel almost depressed, or emotionally tired. I can't seem to process all that has happened. So many have helped us, it brings me to tears every time I think of each of their service and prayers. I can't express my appreciation or how humbled it has made us feel. We have been so loved and cared for and carried through this time. We try to explain it to the kids, but they are too young to really comprehend all that has been sacrificed on our behalf. Maybe that's why I keep feeling like I have to record this, so in days to come they will know. It has been an absolute testimony of God's loving and watchful care for our individual needs. It has been evidenced by a bag full of new scrubs, a congregation's donation of diapers, a baptism dress, food, food, and more food, gift cards, letters and anonymous checks and money, Christmas and birthday gifts more than we would ever need or do. The temporal evidences of love are overwhelming. 


Bryan begins his new job, one of the most awe-some witnesses of God's plan for our family, in a week. He's excited and amazingly I feel very peaceful about all that it means for our family...moving, leaving family and friends and doctors and jobs. I don't know what His plan is for us, but it feels hopeful and light. Looking at how He has met our every need thus far, gives me great confidence that He will continue to lead and guide our family. 


Now, if I could just be what He wants me to be...patient and kind and able to manage the craziness of our children and home and husband. I want so much for my children. I want to have a routine and time to play with them and learn with them and serve with them and work with them. I keep reaching, feeling like if I could just do a little bit more I would be able to do it and instead it feels like the time is just slipping by and I am so tired.